Thursday, February 18, 2010

A whiny, self-indulgent, emotional post

If you happen to be one of the people in my life who usually hear from me often and you've begun to wonder if I've fallen off the edge of the earth. Or maybe you think I'm mad at you, I'm not. I just don't want to talk about IT. I cannot properly express the sense of helplessness that comes with every new setback and delay. It makes me feel so silly to get excited and report that it should be this week, etc, etc and then just have it not happen AGAIN. It's not that I don't think you care--I know you do. It's just that there are really only a handful of people that can really understand.

I'm not a week past my due date in a pregnancy--I've been there--the baby can only stay in so long.

I'm not trying to get pregnant for a year--I've been there--that baby while longed for didn't yet exist, in an orphanage, across the world.

I know that this will too be resolved, but there is no way of knowing when or what it is going to take.

This just really, really sucks. Just because I've stopped letting you know all the updates doesn't mean I'm taking it well. I just can't talk about it--so I'm avoiding the conversations. Thanks for letting me.

Those of you who've known me for most of my life know I'm not an outwardly emotionally expressive person. I now tear up constantly. It's somewhat embarrassing for me. I can only handle so much.

So, it's not you, it's me. I'm sorry, but I just can't talk about it right now.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Little Boy's Bible

Tonight in Brooks's little boy Bible, I opened to the story about Jochebed floating baby Moses down the Nile to save his life. It was in the devotional part after the story that I had to smile at the perfect timing of the story for me even if Brooks didn't see it. The devotional said, "Sometimes when we have to trust God with how a situation works out . . .all we can do is wait patiently. But there are also times when God wants us to use the brains He gave us and do what we can. We should ask God for wisdom and help . . .and get busy." It closed with a "Verse to Remember": A child's version of Isaiah 1:17, "Learn to do good. Seek justice. Help the oppressed. Defend the orphan. Fight for the rights of widows."

We're waiting patiently--we're ready to use our brains and do what we can!

Saturday, February 6, 2010

"The trouble with most people . . ."

"The trouble with most people is that they think with their hopes and fears and wishes, rather than with their minds." Nancy Astor

Maybe it's hard when it relates to our children to not focus on the emotion of the situation, but that is just what we've had to do to get through this and it has helped. We still feel the emotion, of course, but filtering it through rational thinking is allowing a certain calmness.

I just wanted to keep you all updated our referral situation and give you some very specific prayer requests. There is hope, based on the updates coming from Rwanda, that a replacement to handle adoption matters (and a whole lot more) could be in place with the next week or two. Coming from someone whose husband works for the US government--I can't tell you how impressed and grateful I would be if they could fill a government position so quickly. If that happens, there is a chance we could still have our referral while our friend, Tina, is in Rwanda. Maybe, if time allows she could actually see our son!

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Not the best week ever . . .

Well, it has not quite been the week we hoped for so far. Tuesday was a rough day, and I was just too upset and emotional to manage a post. However, I know how many families earlier in the adoption process watch the blogs of those ahead of them to learn about the process. So, in fairness, I want to make sure that I don't only post about the exciting easy parts, but the setbacks as well. My tears have stopped flowing and I'm calm; so here goes . . .

After not receiving our referral last week, we reached the point of 2 months and 3 weeks of an "approximately 2 month" wait. So, we optimistically formed a lovely plan: divide and conquer. Elizabeth (the mommy in the other family whose file is very close friends with ours by now) would stay up until 2 am Tuesday morning and call for an update. Meanwhile, I would send a heartfelt email to the same person. Then I would follow up in Thursday with a call. These measures combined with our POA's personal visits to the office and PRESTO! a referral by the end of the week.

I should have known that when I am woken up an hour earlier than usual with Brooks in bed with me and both of us covered in pee (from him, not me) that it wasn't going to be a great day. Nevertheless, I quickly stripped the bed and got back in while shoving Brooks a yogurt tube and plopping him in front of Dora. I thought to check my email and not seeing anything sighed thinking well maybe tomorrow it will come. Then the phone rang. Now, Chris knows better than to call me before 8 a.m., so this was not good news. He had checked our email to find the news that when our POA arrived at the Minstry offices he was told that the lady who handles the adoption files on behalf of the Minister had resigned. They were not able to tell him ANYTHING about what that meant for our files.